A Love Letter to My Depression

[Content warnings for depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm]

Dear Depression,

Do you remember, the first time we met?

Me, barely 13. You, older than the hills themselves,

And when we collided, the instant connection was as loud as all the symphonies in the world making chaos at once,

But also as quiet as the tooth fairy’s footsteps on a child’s pillow.

From that day on,

We were inseparable!

Wherever I went, you followed, tenderly holding my hand in yours, unsure and embarrassed.

I never introduced you as my lover and I don’t know how you felt about that.

Did it make you angry?

Is that what you changed so quickly?

Tender caresses became hard slaps.

No longer did you walk beside me,

Instead you demanded that I carry you and so I did,

Until I could no longer discern where I ended and you began,

Wrapped in a complicated mess of a lover’s embrace.

The sweet words of indifference you once offered me,

Now a death threat.

And so often do you pull me to a cliff edge,

And threaten to throw me over.

I cling to you like a newborn baby to their mother,

Desperate not to let the darkness inside our hearts swallow me and drop me off that ledge.

Only days later do you pull me back,

Holding me,

Rocking me against your chest and kissing my wrists,

Leaving the red stains of your ‘love’ on my tattered skin.

I always forgive you. You hold me days later,

Whisper sweet nothings and empty promises in my ear,

Swear you will never do that to me again.

And like a fool,

I believe you.

When others tell me how bad you are for me,

I hear their words,

But they hold no meaning.

They point at the scars you leave – visible and invisible –

And they say

“Look! It is killing you, it is starving you, it is changing you…

I don’t know who you are anymore.”

And I found that it doesn’t matter.

My feelings are already trapped,

Held in a dam of sadness,

Chained and locked,

To which you alone have the key